“Crucial Conversations” by Kerry Patterson, et al, was recommended to me by a former boss. It took me a while to get around to reading this book, but I finally did and am glad that I did. The book teaches you how to engage in conversations at work or in personal life that are difficult, but important, and that most of us do not handle well. Even though the book is firmly in the self-help mold, it actually has useful information to give you if you can set aside your cynicism for this genre of books.
So what exactly is a “crucial conversation”? The authors define it as a conversation or a dialogue where people have opposing opinions, the stakes are high for one or both the parties, and strong emotions are involved. For example, this could be about giving difficult feedback to a colleague, a life-partner, or a child, discussing a hike in your pay, negotiating with striking workers, etc. Even conversations that start off as regular conversations can turn into crucial conversations when someone makes a hurtful remark, for example. The authors want us to develop the skills needed to recognize when we find ourselves in such a crucial conversation and to conduct ourselves in a way that makes it a productive conversation that strengthens mutual trust.
The book is divided into three parts. The first part deals with how to prepare for such a conversation, including choosing the right topic, identifying what you really want from the conversation, and keeping your emotions in check throughout the conversation. The second part deals with how to have such a conversation, including making it a safe environment for both parties, how to talk persuasively without being abrasive or condescending, how to listen properly, and how to stay in control while absorbing feedback. The third part deals with how to make such conversations actionable and ensure that you get meaningful results as a follow-up. It also talks about how to apply this framework to really difficult cases, since it is perfectly valid to be skeptical of the broad applicability of such self-help advice. Each part is divided into focussed chapters that tackle a particular aspect. Each such chapter starts by providing an overview, gets into the details (with several interleaving anecdotes sprinkled throughout), and ends by providing a short summary of what we learned in the chapter. I admit that this is the usual template for self-help books these days, but it is actually quite effective here. (That said, the anecdotes seem unreal and the dialogues do not sound like how normal people talk, once again just like in other self-help books.)
One of the nice devices that the authors use is a “path to action” model. You see or hear something, you tell yourselves a story based on that (even if it happens in an instant and you are not aware of it), you form emotions based on that story, and finally you act based on those emotions. The most important skills in having crucial conversations is being able to identify and control this path in ourselves and in those with whom we are having such a conversation. Of course, this is much easier said than done, so the authors provide you various techniques to help with that. Even after that, I remain a bit skeptical on how ordinary people can muster the self-awareness and discipline required to master these skills.
What I didn’t like here is the irritating “pool of meaning” metaphor that the authors keep using throughout the book. The authors also fall prey to the usual self-help book trope of using cutesy acronyms (“CRIB”, “STATE”, “AMPP”, etc.) that immediately make me suspicious of what they are leaving out or shoving in so that they could get these acronyms. I guess authors want to provide mnemonics to their readers to help absorb their message, but I always find these more irritating than helpful. However, yes, this definitely is a book that merits reflection and possibly note-taking, not something that you just read cover to cover and never revisit. I will surely come back to this book like I plan to do with Getting Things Done.
As with many popular self-help books, the authors have courses and spin-off books based on the “crucial” theme. You can find these and other additional resources referenced from this book on their web-site. Even if you do not use those additional resources, you can get something useful out of this book (if you can set aside your skepticism, if any, for self-help books). I am grateful to my former boss for having recommended this book.